Boundaries. We all have them. We all need to make sure to protect them somehow. But what if you’re not sure where your boundaries lay? Not everyone can recognize their boundaries in time to make sure they are not violated.
I am one of those people. Recognizing my boundaries is very difficult for me. The past years I have gotten better at recognizing certain boundaries, like knowing when I need to stop working before becoming overstimulated. However, I still fail to protect those boundaries on a pretty regular basis. Oftentimes, I notice I’ve crossed my boundaries only after I’ve stopped working and by then it’s already too late: I’m overstimulated.
This happens because of delayed processing. Many autistics, as well as other neurodivergent people, might recognize this. Our brains filter information differently from neurotypicals. Our filters let through almost all information, which all needs to be organized. Neurotypical brains, on the other hand, filter information as it comes in and discard that which isn’t important. Autistic brains don’t work that way. Neurotypical brains can therefore organize information much faster than our brains can, allowing neurotypicals to react faster to this information. Since our brains have more information to work through, it takes longer to organize it all. This means that when we ourselves or someone else violates our personal boundaries, the information that is sent to our brain gets lost in a bunch of other information. All this needs to be sorted out before we will be able to make sense of it. By the time it’s organized and our brain is able to send us the message that our personal boundaries are crossed, it’s often too late and the damage has been done. This is delayed processing.
I struggle with this a lot, especially with regard to other people violating my boundaries. It’s not uncommon for me to take an hour or more to realize that this has happened. I’m working on it but it is extremely difficult. Working on it means for me trying to figure out not only how my autism plays a part in this. It also means diving into my life, my past (as far as I can remember it, anyways). What comes to mind is bullying, abandonment, and being used. I’ll start with explaining the latter. I’ve always been one to help other people whenever I can, even to the point of disregarding my own needs and boundaries. I don’t want to disappoint people and want them to like me. Unfortunately, there are some who take advantage of people like me by pretending to be friends because they need something. I’ve been too insecure and scared to tell them ‘no’. Now, however, I feel like setting boundaries could have protected me from being used like that.
These ‘friends’ abandoned me as soon as I had given them what they wanted. But they weren’t the only ones who abandoned me. Some people did this after several years of friendship, and recently it even happened after more than a decade of being close friends. It still hurts to think about. With some I never figured out the reason, while others cut me out when I was in a depression and burn-out. I’ve even had a friends-to-bullies experience, where my friend group suddenly started to bully me. Other classmates started to do the same during that year because I refused to let someone have her way at my expense, so basically for setting a boundary.
These types of situations have made me more careful, suspicious, and insecure. I believe they are major reasons why it is so difficult for me to set and protect boundaries. They probably could have protected me from being used, but I also feel like they partly caused me to be bullied and abandoned.
Over the past few months, I’ve been participating in a group training which mainly focuses on recognizing and protecting one’s own boundaries, but also respecting those of others. I’ve already learned so much, but it still remains difficult for me. A major thing I have learned is how good it feels to protect your boundaries and have people listen to you and respect that. There is no right and wrong when it comes to where your boundaries are, they are very personal and different in every person. Also, boundaries can be different from day to day, depending on how you feel. Nevertheless, you deserve to have them respected by others. Another major breakthrough for me was this week, when I realized that I do not have to make myself small for others. I am allowed to take up my own space. This is huge for me because I always think way too much about how I will affect others and make them feel. I’m still anxious about stating my boundaries, but I keep telling myself that it’s important and okay to do so. If people don’t respect my boundaries, they might not be the right people for me. I must take care of myself first and foremost.
To recognize my boundaries, I’ve learned to focus more on how I feel, on what I feel. Especially what gives me an unpleasant feeling, what makes me feel uncomfortable. For me, it’s an unpleasant feeling that rises in my stomach which signals for me that my boundary has been reached or already crossed.
I still find it quite difficult to recognize and protect my boundaries, even though I’ve gotten better at it. Sometimes I only realize later that my boundaries were crossed. Also, when I do feel it, I still find it difficult to protect my boundaries, because of my insecurities. It’s a process, and I’ll keep trying and learning. I think practice is key here.
My apologies for the comment section down below being in Dutch. This can, unfortunately, not be altered to English.
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