Articles

Boundaries. We all have them. We all need to make sure to protect them somehow. But what if you’re not sure where your boundaries lay? Not everyone can recognize their boundaries in time to make sure they are not violated.

It was on July 13 2019, 8 days before my 30th birthday, that I learned that I’m autistic. My whole world changed on that day, even though I didn’t realize it yet. In a sense, I was handed the keys to understanding myself and my life in a way I never had before. I had known that I was different for as long as I can remember, always felt that way, although I couldn’t really explain how or why. Now I finally knew: I am autistic, my brain works differently from that of most other people. Also: I am not alone, there is an entire community out there of people like me.

This time of year is usually extra difficult for me. The days are shorter and the weather is often dreary, which triggers my seasonal depression. Also, visual and auditory stimuli become more intense as it’s the holiday season. Even though holiday decorations and Christmas lights can be beautiful and special, it is a lot to process and can become overwhelming.

Being locked inside my mind.

On Monday the 24th of March this year, I lost my rock, my best friend, my Loki. She was 7,5 years and 1 week old when I had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life. My poor little Loki was diagnosed with tumors right before Christmas and her doctor wasn’t even sure is she’d make it through that. But she was incredible strong and we took care of her the best we could, especially me. She was my child and it was my responsibility. We all agreed we’d keep her with us for as long as she could live a happy life. The tumors kept growing but she was her happy, active self.

Way too often, when women or girls become the victims of sexual violence, society is quick to jump to the wrong questions, like: what was she wearing? Why was she alone? What was she doing there? What was she doing out that late? I’m sure there are other questions being asked as well, (unfortunately) these are just some examples. What they seem to boil down to is this: she and/or her parents (or caretakers) should have known better. In other words: it’s their own fault – at least partly; and: they should have seen this coming.

I used to believe that I was a procrastinator. When in college, starting from my second year somewhere, I became unable to start doing my homework on time. I knew very well when it was time to start, but I didn’t do it. Research papers were increasingly challenging to finish in time for my deadlines. Oftentimes, I worked all night because I could only start writing when I was haunted by my deadlines. I felt like I was too easily distracted by pretty much anything that wasn’t my actual homework.

I haven’t written anything since December.

I feel down,

“If you want a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”

I want to write…