Locked inside

Being locked inside my mind.

No way out.

Unable to speak,

Unable to move,

To ask for help.

This is what an autistic shutdown can feel like.

I’ve experienced mutism and an inability to move, sometimes separate, sometimes simultaneously. For a long time, I didn’t know that it’s part of an autistic shutdown. That’s never been explained to me. I’ve even been to see a neurologist once when I was often unable to move. It comes and goes, kind of like in waves.

An autistic shutdown is an internal response to being overwhelmed by some sort of stress, for instance sensory, emotional, or social. This can lead to, for instance, mutism, or a loss of motor control i.e. being unable to move. This always makes me feel like I’m trapped inside my mind, like I’m in some sort of internal prison I can’t escape from. It feels like there’s no connection between my brain and my body. I’ve had times when I was stuck for over an hour and couldn’t move or ask for help no matter how hard I tried. I understand now that it’s my nervous system protecting me, shutting functions down to save energy and rest. So, when this happens I know I need to slow down, rest more, and avoid triggers as much as possible.

Apparently, a shutdown can also be caused by overfatigue. This explains why it often takes me half an hour to more than an hour to get out of bed in the morning. I want to get up and I know which movements I have to make to do so. What I don’t know, however, is how to execute these movements. I forget how to direct my body to move in the way I want it to. That’s what I meant by feeling like there’s no connection between my brain and my body. When there’s no one around to help me get me ‘unstuck’ I just have to wait until  it happens on its own. Usually, there comes this moment when I can suddenly move again, like a switch being flicked on.

Mutism can also happen to me in social situations, especially in groups or with unfamiliar people. At those moments I want to join in the conversation, I know what I want to say, but the words just don’t come out. I’m not sure why that happens, it might be insecurity or anxiety. It could be placed under the banner of situational mutism, which is an anxiety disorder causing someone to be unable to speak in certain situations. As I said, I’m not entirely sure it’s caused by anxiety, for me. The reason is that I have difficulties recognizing my emotions. I know what most emotions mean and entail, I just don’t really know how they feel. Therefore, I am not really skilled at recognizing them as I feel them. Sometimes, when I take a long moment and try to recognize what it is I feel, to really feel, I might be able to recognize it. At other times, however, I try to figure out how I feel by reasoning. I still have a lot to learn when it comes to recognizing emotions. When I learn more about recognizing how I feel, I might become more skilled at avoiding shutdowns. At least, that’s what I hope for.