On love and loss

On Monday the 24^th of March this year, I lost my rock, my best friend, my Loki. She was 7,5 years and 1 week old when I had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life. My poor little Loki was diagnosed with tumors right before Christmas and her doctor wasn’t even sure is she’d make it through that. But she was incredible strong and we took care of her the best we could, especially me. She was my child and it was my responsibility. We all agreed we’d keep her with us for as long as she could live a happy life. The tumors kept growing but she was her happy, active self.

Until March 22^nd. She barely ate and just stood there, waiting for us to pick her up. All day, all she wanted was to be with us. She couldn’t eat enough anymore to compensate for the energy the tumors were costing. We noticed that the biggest tumor was almost touching the ground between her front paws. That night, I made the decision to put her to sleep on Monday, to let her own doctor do it, the one she knew so well. We spend as much time with her as we could the next day, trying to say our goodbye’s and taking photos.

Monday at noon, we went to the doctor. I held her close from when we left the house, all through the process. When she was no longer there, I still held her. Until I really, really had to let her go. When we got home, I dug her a little grave, next to her sister Princess. I placed her in it and carefully covered her with soil.

I felt so sad, alone, and empty, I didn’t know how to handle it. Losing Princess at 6 years and 3 days old had been extremely difficult. But back then I still had Loki, so I still had a part of her. I had gotten them when I was going through a depression and a burnout. They had been extremely important in getting me through it all, they were there every step of the way. I spent so much time with them that I became their favorite person and was always showered with kisses. When others held them and I got close, they’d do everything to get to me. And now, that would never happen again. They would never again give me all their kisses.

Due to my autism, I do not handle change well, especially big changes. This was, of course, also a huge change. In a few days, I’d have to go back to my own apartment, alone. I had never truly been alone, lived alone. Because of Loki and Princess. We knew with certainty that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. It would all be too much for me to handle. The chances that I would spiral into a black hole we big. We had to find a solution, and fast. We talked about it a lot and thought hard. In the end, we made a difficult decision. We decided that there was no other way than getting new guinea pigs before I went back to my apartment. We knew it was soon, and preferred to wait, but it was necessary.

On the 27^th, we had an appointment at a guinea pig sanctuary. It was so incredibly difficult to go and get new pets. So much went through my mind, including doubts. But I had to do what was best for me. It didn’t diminish the love I felt for Loki and Princess, and it didn’t mean I was replacing them. It just meant there was so much love in my heart that there was room to share it with new pets. After long consideration, we went home with 2 girls: Gomez and Malou. Gomez was extremely afraid of humans, but Malou wanted to be held.

Now we had to get used to one another, get to know each other. Every day was hard, and I missed Loki and Princess (I still do), but it wasn’t their fault. Gomez and Malou needed a good home and I intended to give them one. I just needed time, but so did they. And that was okay. Slowly, we got to know each other, and started to like each other. Ever so slowly, Gomez’ fears started to fade. They both started to show their personalities. We took our time, and slowly grew closer.

It took me until a few weeks ago to be able to say that I love them. This was a huge moment for us. I no longer felt guilty for thinking that and was ready to say it. Gomez is no longer afraid and has become a little cuddle bug who loves to give kisses. She has transformed completely. Like me, it took her several month’s to get this far. There’s nothing wrong with that. Malou has grown from a quiet and calm little girl, into a talkative and active adult guinea pig who loves cuddles and attention. Lately, she has started giving kisses. She’s been practicing since we got them, but now she’s gotten really good at it. I am so proud of both of them. They have grown so much during these past few months.

It was important to be patient, to take the time we needed to get here. It was worth it, because now we’re all inseparable, Gomez, Malou, and I. I still miss Loki and Princess, but I also love Gomez and Malou. I can have both these feelings without feeling guilty to either Loki and Princess or Gomez and Malou.