On sexual violence

Way too often, when women or girls become the victims of sexual violence, society is quick to jump to the wrong questions, like: what was she wearing? Why was she alone? What was she doing there? What was she doing out that late? I’m sure there are other questions being asked as well, (unfortunately) these are just some examples. What they seem to boil down to is this: she and/or her parents (or caretakers) should have known better. In other words: it’s their own fault – at least partly; and: they should have seen this coming.

To me, that’s the world turned upside down. The fault lies not with the victim, not ever. We should be looking at the perpetrator(s) instead, we should be blaming them. No matter what you wear, no matter where you are, no matter what the time is, it is not your fault. Period. The blame should lie with the person who decides to attack or assault someone. Simultaneously, part of the blame is to be placed upon society. It’s society that poses the wrong questions. It’s society that too often puts the responsibility on the victims, rather than the perpetrators. There are no excuses for sexual violence. And society shouldn’t go looking for them. I believe that might be part of the reason why victims don’t always go to the police. I can imagine that would make them reconsider, make them doubt themselves, or even put the blame or shame on themselves. Blame and shame shouldn’t be with the victims though, it should be with those who have hurt them.

As long as society does not change, if we don’t teach boys and men about consent an proper behavior towards and respect for women, I fear this won’t change. Not really. We need to speak up, to make our voices heard. We need to show that women, and men, won’t tolerate this anymore. That the time has come for change. That women, like men, should be able to wear what they want and to go where they want, when they want to. The world doesn’t belong to men alone, it belongs to all of us. And we all have the right to feel safe and be safe.

Right now, however, too many people do not – cannot – feel safe. I myself am one of those people. In the evening of August 16, I was sexually assaulted by my neighbor after a walk. He pulled me into an embrace and wouldn’t let me go. Then he kissed me. He tried to again and I managed to turn my head and said he was going too fast. He apologized, but then kissed me again a few moments later. I hadn’t wanted any of this to happen, didn’t see it coming either. He claimed, a few days later, to have misread my signals. But I had clearly showed and stated that I didn’t want him to do that. He had done it anyway. There’s no excuse for what he did. He should have asked for consent, both to embrace and to kiss me.

This has had a huge effect on me. I’m afraid to go outside of my apartment. I feel his presence when I’m at home. I feel sad, listless, angry, empty, and tired. Fortunately, the people around me believe me and support me. They tell me not to question myself. They make sure that I don’t put the blame on myself. I didn’t do anything wrong. He did. I have decided to go to the police, to press charges. I know it will be hard. But I need to do this. I can’t let him get away with what he did. And maybe it will help me move forward and ease my fears. Also, I don’t want him to do this to others in the future. I need to make my voice heard. ‘No’ means ‘no’; no ‘yes’ also means ‘no’. Only a ‘yes’ means consent.