I'm feeling all the feelings...

I feel down,

I feel sad,

Hopeless,

Irritated,

Angry,

I feel so much, so many things, that I cannot identify them all…

The past 4 days have taken too many of my spoons.

Each of these days was just too much, 

Each day worse than the one before.

Things have just been piling up.

Good things and bad things too.

I’m not sure when it first began exactly, when things started to snowball…

I guess around Sinterklaas.

That day was so much fun,

But it was also a lot to take in.

A lot of triggers.

The holiday season in general is just a lot of triggers piling up.

I like the holiday season, don’t get me wrong.

But it takes more spoons than I seem to have.

And then there’s Loki,

I worry about her every day.

Does she have an inflammation?

Or is it a tumor?

Does it mean she does not have much longer to live anymore?

Her mortality is staring me in the face…

She’s been doing so well I could basically ignore the fact that she’s been an old girl for a while now.

Her being 7 years and 3 months means that she’s very old.

I treasure every day with her.

I always have,

But even more so since her sister Princess passed away.

Loki has a whole routine these days:

3 times a day critical care,

Twice a day medication for her stomach and a pain killer,

4 times a day I need to put a bit of ointment on her right eye.

It takes a lot of spoons from the both of us.

Of course I’d do anything for her,

I always have.

But it does cost a lot of my energy.

Add in the weather to the mix of the holiday season and my worries about Loki,

And apparently this is what I get.

Loads of emotions which I can hardly identify,

Let alone handle or deal with.

It’s all just too much right now.

I don’t know what I’m to do.

I even fear that I’m losing control.

The images I used to have seem to be back with all their vigor.

Images of myself dying…

Dying in traffic,

Of falling from heights,

Or drowning…

These first made their appearance about 7 years ago.

When I was having a depression and burnout.

And became suicidal.

Sometimes they come back.

I can usually handle it somewhat.

But today, I feel them pull at me again.

I’m at a low point right now,

And that’s when these kind of things get to you the most.

I’m supposed to go for a walk by myself today…

But I feel like I can’t trust myself right now.

That I might act on them.

I never have, even at these low points.

But still, it frightens me.

The pull and hold they have on me.