Bullying is a huge problem in society, in my opinion. Many autistics become the victims of bullying in their lives, more so in comparison to neurotypical people. We are different, and that can make us stand out and perhaps more vulnerable to negative attention. For instance, there can be social and communication differences; the lack of a strong social network; distinct behaviors, such as stimming, and intense special interests. There is no excuse for bullying someone, whether people are different from us or not. I myself have experienced bullying several times in my life, before I knew I was autistic. I never had many friends, even though I almost always had some, and pretty much always felt different. I may not have known why I felt different for almost 30 years of my life, but I did know that I was for as long as I can remember.
Bullying has left its scars. I didn’t always know why people bullied me, I can only guess why. When I was about 13 years old my group of friends started bullying me out of the blue. One day everything was fine, and I had a sleepover with one of them, and the next everything had changed. Even my best friend joined them. Even more than 2 decades later, it still affects me. In the meantime, I have learned why people bully others. And it has absolutely nothing to do with the people they choose to bully. Instead, it has everything to do with themselves. They might feel jealous, powerless, or insecure, or they might have been bullied themselves. To make them feel better about themselves, more in control, more confident, they start to pick on others.
As I said, bullying has left its scars on me. I have been the target of bullies several times and it still haunts me to this day. It has made me insecure. For instance, I often doubt that people really like me and want to be my friends, even though there’s no reason for this doubt. That’s also because sometimes someone would pretend to be my friend, when they only wanted me to do their (home)work for them. After I’d helped them, they no longer needed me and left. It has also happened that I would be with a group of people who all had fun together put completely ignored my presence. Being ignored hurts, and it makes you feel invisible and insecure.
Like I said, I’ve always felt different, like I didn’t really fit in. Being bullied and left out enhanced that. It’s not easy when you’re trying to fit in but keep feeling different no matter what you do. Especially when you don’t know why you’re feeling that way. That was me. I knew I was different from an early age, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It took me almost 30 years to learn what it was about. When I was told that I’m autistic, 8 days before my 30th birthday, it all started to fall into place. This was why I felt different, it was because I actually was. My brain works differently than it does for most people. I also didn’t feel so alone anymore, because there were entire autistic and neurodiverse communities out there where I did fit in.
I have grown a lot since then. I have learned so much about myself, and I am still learning new things about myself and my autism. Also, I don’t feel so left out anymore. There are several communities where I do feel like I fit in, like I belong, such as autistic, neurodiverse, and LGBTQIA+ communities. I still have the scars from being bullied, but I keep trying to move forward. I know it will always be there, and the memories still come back to me more often than I want them to. That is one of my challenges in life. It is hard and I might stumble sometimes, but I keep trying.
My apologies for the comment section down below being in Dutch. This can, unfortunately, not be altered to English.
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